1. Send children away to boarding school for packing day. Consider leaving them there. If boarding school not feasible, shove them into bedroom-until you hear one boy say to another, “Take a picture of my rear!”
2. Send girls to their bedroom to play. Extract one plastic hanger from two year old’s mouth. Explain why you can’t kiss the inside of her cheek to make it better.
3. Schedule oh-so-important blog posts on the laptop. Shut laptop and continue packing.
4. Figure out what’s going on when it gets quiet. Clean up toothpaste. And cheerios. And un-known brown crumbs on kitchen floor.
5. Give children chores. Clean up after them after they’ve completed their chores.
6. Listen to children singing messages onto answering machine while they’re supposedly in their bedrooms playing quietly. Recognize TobyMac’s “Shake it, don’t break it. Took your mama 9 months to make it.”
7. Log back in to laptop and check weather. Close laptop so you’re not tempted to blog.
8. Clean whole house. It’s so nice to return to clean sheets and toilets.
9. Forget cleaning house–it’s better used as a deterrent for would-be criminals.
10. Wonder what “sumpin” on two year old’s hands is. Send her in to wash hands. Clean up 1/2 gallons of water bathroom floor. Consider bathroom cleaned.
11. Spray fruit flies with counter cleaner. Check science text book to see how much they’ll procreate while you’re gone. Give exterminator key to your house.
12. Open laptop yet again to google directions to vacation house, even though this is your sixth summer at the same house.
13. Plan to throttle husband when he comes upstairs–you know he can hear what’s going on and that he’s only pretending to work in order to stay out of the chaos.
14. Agree with Bill Cosby, parents simply want QUIET. Especially when single-handedly packing for vacation.
15. Open laptop final time to record this day’s antics. Decide to take it with you so you don’t miss blogging any fun moments.